currently
I live my life
in the assumption
(grounded or not)
that I will be around
in a year's time
to start
living my life
(everything that happens
in the meantime
is preparation)
30 May 2011
28 May 2011
27 May 2011
26/27 05 2011, Berlin
the skin on my ankles is dry
and white in that Ivory kind of way
I was looking at my ankles and feet whilst doing stretches this morning
and all I could see where my feet should be
were my mother's feet -
exactly the same -
though perhaps marginally larger
I observed closely the blue veins
feeding every muscle
and the tendons
which flicker at every movement
they look just like hers
and I felt closer physically
nice fleshy closeness
my own showing hers to me
like a subtle message
from genetics
or SAUDADE, perhaps
own flesh providing nearness to a distant other
a mother
here I was missing her
only to find her, here,
there all along
for better or worse, as it may be -
though neither before realisation
not only with me,
but literally part of me,
I saw her
in me, on me
in ankles and veins
and elsewhere I'm yet to discover
or am trying to deny
and white in that Ivory kind of way
I was looking at my ankles and feet whilst doing stretches this morning
and all I could see where my feet should be
were my mother's feet -
exactly the same -
though perhaps marginally larger
I observed closely the blue veins
feeding every muscle
and the tendons
which flicker at every movement
they look just like hers
and I felt closer physically
nice fleshy closeness
my own showing hers to me
like a subtle message
from genetics
or SAUDADE, perhaps
own flesh providing nearness to a distant other
a mother
here I was missing her
only to find her, here,
there all along
for better or worse, as it may be -
though neither before realisation
not only with me,
but literally part of me,
I saw her
in me, on me
in ankles and veins
and elsewhere I'm yet to discover
or am trying to deny
23 May 2011
23 05 2011, Berlin
If you live life with the thought that death will creep up on you when you least expect it then old age comes as a surprise.
Cruel, perhaps
Cruel, perhaps
17 May 2011
17 05 2011, Berlin
Boredom is a foreign emotion to me
Impatience I know well
but boredom eludes me
Even now, here, with nothing
really to do, boredom only
occurs to me as a stranger,
passing by - as concept -
through my stream of consciousness
We try to identify one another -
"Maybe I am bored? Come hither,
Boredom, let me recognise you..." -
but to no avail
Boredom appears to me as a mere shadow,
weak and superficial - a faux emotion.
Lacklustre.
A word, an excuse, masquerading
as emotion.
A façade beneath which something much
deeper lies
Those aware of this deeper, real
emotion - present always -
can never feel true boredom
and are thus doomed to a life
without this excuse
However, perhaps blessed
with a life where façades are self-erected
(and thus boredom is a convenient choice,
not a state of being)
Impatience I know well
but boredom eludes me
Even now, here, with nothing
really to do, boredom only
occurs to me as a stranger,
passing by - as concept -
through my stream of consciousness
We try to identify one another -
"Maybe I am bored? Come hither,
Boredom, let me recognise you..." -
but to no avail
Boredom appears to me as a mere shadow,
weak and superficial - a faux emotion.
Lacklustre.
A word, an excuse, masquerading
as emotion.
A façade beneath which something much
deeper lies
Those aware of this deeper, real
emotion - present always -
can never feel true boredom
and are thus doomed to a life
without this excuse
However, perhaps blessed
with a life where façades are self-erected
(and thus boredom is a convenient choice,
not a state of being)
10 May 2011
8 May 2011
08 05 2011, London
Fuck you for stealing from me
You don't even know me
And fuck you for playing games with me
Who are you to play ?
You don't even know me
You wish you knew me
And I wish, too
You don't even know me
And fuck you for playing games with me
Who are you to play ?
You don't even know me
You wish you knew me
And I wish, too
4 May 2011
04 05 2011, London
yesterday
my chest was very tight
i thought -
for the first time -
that maybe i would have a heart attack
not yesterday
necessarily
but one day
it felt very possible
likely, even
fated, perhaps
but the tightness
was not (only) thanks to
eating butter
drinking alcohol
smoking cigarettes
or even stress
more vital
was a mystery force
that clung itself
violently, almost
around the most crucial of my muscles
emanating thence
through the echoing chambers
of my lungs
silent to all but
lethal to me
once ignorant
until i felt
actual pain from le coeur -
the core - hardcore
heartcore
for a future unknown
but felt yesterday
then today
i woke up
having slept luxuriously well
and maybe the thought had gone
momentarily
maybe with it
the animal clinching
at my core
but now i feel it creeping back
heart attack
wringing thing inside my ribs
lungs, shoulders and throat
so it's definitely there
my chest was very tight
i thought -
for the first time -
that maybe i would have a heart attack
not yesterday
necessarily
but one day
it felt very possible
likely, even
fated, perhaps
but the tightness
was not (only) thanks to
eating butter
drinking alcohol
smoking cigarettes
or even stress
more vital
was a mystery force
that clung itself
violently, almost
around the most crucial of my muscles
emanating thence
through the echoing chambers
of my lungs
silent to all but
lethal to me
once ignorant
until i felt
actual pain from le coeur -
the core - hardcore
heartcore
for a future unknown
but felt yesterday
then today
i woke up
having slept luxuriously well
and maybe the thought had gone
momentarily
maybe with it
the animal clinching
at my core
but now i feel it creeping back
heart attack
wringing thing inside my ribs
lungs, shoulders and throat
so it's definitely there
26 April 2011
26 04 2011, London
Trois actualités d'aujourd'hui :
1) Al.
the love of my life
truth
2) An.
sudden loss
connection severed
obviously, unexpectedly
surprising and not
now it's just time
flowing ways
all was words
close
and now even they feel empty
3) Ri.
call from landline
come
together
simple and pure
1) Al.
the love of my life
truth
2) An.
sudden loss
connection severed
obviously, unexpectedly
surprising and not
now it's just time
flowing ways
all was words
close
and now even they feel empty
3) Ri.
call from landline
come
together
simple and pure
25 April 2011
25 04 2011, London
I am bleeding on the inside
For this world
Which gives me everything
And yet
Doesn't let me have it
Really
Sometimes this abstract burden
Of barbed wire and cruel determinism
Of arbitrary rulings
Upon our lives
Makes my heart writhe and pound
Within the chest I thought was mine
But which, I have learnt, has nothing to do with me
And everything with territory and skin
They tell me I'm lucky to have them
My pay-off is security and wealth
But only if I respect their game
If I don't, well, tant pis!
It's majority rules in this world, baby
Or was that minority wins?
Doesn't anyone ever think that
Without wealth there would be no poverty?
Without security there would be no danger?
You've got it mixed up, girl!
They say
Girl
But oh no
They forget that neither is possible
When the soul is oppressed
By fear and hate and
Me versus you
Us versus them
Same bullshit, really
Yet my heart still pounds inside a skeleton
That will one day -
Indiscriminately -
Be rotten
In this Earth
The very same Earth
They told me wasn't for walking on
But ruling on
I choose not to believe!
But bleed, anyway
For this world
Which gives me everything
And yet
Doesn't let me have it
Really
Sometimes this abstract burden
Of barbed wire and cruel determinism
Of arbitrary rulings
Upon our lives
Makes my heart writhe and pound
Within the chest I thought was mine
But which, I have learnt, has nothing to do with me
And everything with territory and skin
They tell me I'm lucky to have them
My pay-off is security and wealth
But only if I respect their game
If I don't, well, tant pis!
It's majority rules in this world, baby
Or was that minority wins?
Doesn't anyone ever think that
Without wealth there would be no poverty?
Without security there would be no danger?
You've got it mixed up, girl!
They say
Girl
But oh no
They forget that neither is possible
When the soul is oppressed
By fear and hate and
Me versus you
Us versus them
Same bullshit, really
Yet my heart still pounds inside a skeleton
That will one day -
Indiscriminately -
Be rotten
In this Earth
The very same Earth
They told me wasn't for walking on
But ruling on
I choose not to believe!
But bleed, anyway
24 April 2011
24 04 2011, London
upon discovery that torture is not screams and flesh
and certainly not their image
rendered by tricks of light
and angles of cameras -
how absurd -
one is relieved
through the (boring) picture of synthetic pain
one can learn that pain has nothing to do with
foreign objects
and everything to do with perspective,
power
upon realisation that there is always choice
(how much do i need to believe?)
in terms of relation to
the choice to believe that screams and flesh
could possibly be the torture
we all fear
is dangerous,
it allows the abstract rules of life and death
as binaries, as light and dark
take over what is never whole
and rule!
as if they were black and white -
like this and that -
or white and black, rather
nothing else
and the images were that
with some red
how symbolic
one is relieved
and certainly not their image
rendered by tricks of light
and angles of cameras -
how absurd -
one is relieved
through the (boring) picture of synthetic pain
one can learn that pain has nothing to do with
foreign objects
and everything to do with perspective,
power
upon realisation that there is always choice
(how much do i need to believe?)
in terms of relation to
the choice to believe that screams and flesh
could possibly be the torture
we all fear
is dangerous,
it allows the abstract rules of life and death
as binaries, as light and dark
take over what is never whole
and rule!
as if they were black and white -
like this and that -
or white and black, rather
nothing else
and the images were that
with some red
how symbolic
one is relieved
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