D I S T R A C T E D
distracted
from the task at hand
from the only thing
in this world
that i 'have' to do
and 'have' to do well
instead i invent great stories for myself
make grand plans, devise my next moves
book intercontinental flights
reply to dozens of inconsequential emails
reconnect with long-lost or never-attained friends
spend too much time on skype
speak too enthusiastically with everyone i meet
but refrain from socialising
in self-punishment
i lock myself in the library
or install myself for hours in a café
with my ever-present companion
my shitty laptop, who i dislike
i plug headphones in
and listen to 80s synth, heavy techno or cheesy chansons françaises
waiting for gmail to relieve me from the torture -
of trying to construct academia -
or for someone to call
(this won't happen, i have no phone)
or for there to be an emergency
to relieve the sedation of staring at screens and tabs
but nothing comes
so i resort to my old ways
in the knowledge (hope) that 'it will happen'
but just not right now
meanwhile, while waiting...
i stare at the pages and dates in my agenda for a long time
LIKE, IF I DO THIS LONG ENOUGH, ALL WILL BE REVEALED
tactics like this belong to the mentally unstable
we are told
obsessive compulsives
well, what do we expect ?
after all
it is hell
to be forced, given no choice
to do that which
under other circumstances
you might do willingly,
without need of such burdensome coercion
such masochistic, or rather ridiculous self-oppression
i want to enjoy this, i should
but i cannot
i am too distracted
and maybe too confident
that 'it will happen'
because i know it 'has' to
No comments:
Post a Comment